


Quarters Are Cliche

by PervDia



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 06:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PervDia/pseuds/PervDia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles tries to bounce stuff off of Derek's ass. There has to be a scientific methodology involved and a lack of self preservation.</p><p>or </p><p>The story of all the different types of things Stiles throws at Derek's ass over the years, the reasons why, and Derek's reactions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quarters Are Cliche

**Author's Note:**

> It's crack but it's sad, but it has a happy-ish ending. Take from it what you will.
> 
> Season 3 compliant-ish. 
> 
> Thank you to my Beta!!!

A koosh ball was the first item. Something bouncy against something bouncy. They weren't even dating at the time, barely even friends. Stiles just sat there one day staring at Derek's ass and wanted to throw something at it besides his face and dick, both of which he figured he would never be able to use to touch the incredible looking set of glute muscles.

Derek glared and then ignored Stiles preferring going back to training. This of course meant Stiles had permission to throw things at Derek's ass. Not just anything though. There had to be a scientific methodology involved along with Stiles innate lack of self preservation. Stiles immediately pulled up a sticky note app on his phone and started to jot down ideas of common everyday items he could use to test the bounce of Derek's ass. Quarters, while cliché, had to be at the top of the list.

Also the situation in which Stiles performed his experiment on Derek's backside would have to be similar in conditions each time, wind, humidity, and amount of working out the Alpha did before hand. Stiles made note of all of this and then remembered the old bodice form his father used when dear old dad experimented with homemade clothes (don't ask). It should have still been in the attic. That could be his control. He would need a pair of Derek's brand of jeans too since he would never get to bounce anything off of Derek's nude ass, besides that would just be creepy and rude. And this was for science.

The amount of work needed to form an ass like that had to be supernatural in origin, and Stiles would find out the depths of firmness if it was the last thing he did. Which considering he was planning on annoying an Alpha werewolf over an extensive period of time, the outlook for his longevity wasn't that great.

Isaac sat down next to him on the couch after being thoroughly beaten up by Erica. "What're you up to?"

"Planning my demise." Stiles honestly replied.

\---

A chart with an excel spread sheet and a powerpoint presentation that included video footage of the experiment had been made. So far Stiles only tested the koosh and the quarter, but both proved that the Alpha's werewolf ass was far superior in bounce to that of a mannequin with 2-6 inches of cotton padding. He had looked online to find what others had done in the field and found many were obsessed with perfect asses, and had done similar studies. Cotton padding had been found to have the most similar bounce to the human ass with a range from 2-6 inches of material. Now it was time to find which items bounced best.

"Stiles, What happened to your face?" Derek, sneaky wolf, had creeped into his room while Stiles was working.

"Nothing." He brushed the memory aside and focused on good things, like Derek's ass. There was a list of things to throw at it.

"It's not nothing." 

"Actually it is, could you do me a favor and hand me that book off the shelf." Stiles picked up the tape measure and the next item off of the list. Both he kept on his desk at the ready. He never knew when Derek would show up and an opportunity arise. When the Alpha turned to get the book, Stiles flung the pingpong ball at Derek's butt and watched it bounce off the firm ass, hit the wall behind him and finally land on the bed to his right. Quickly he got up and ran towards the werewolf with the tape measure and retraced his steps from Derek's foot back to his desk chair.

"Do I want to know what you are doing right now?" Derek said with an angry and very tired voice.

"Not really. What can I help you with? You stopped by, so I assume there was a reason." There was always a reason. Stiles for the sake of Stiles was never anyone's reason to spend time with him, except for Scott and his Dad.

"Boyd and Erica are missing."

See.

\-----

Derek growled at him. "Now's not the time for this Stiles."

"What?" Isaac was passed out in the other room healing. Scott was passed out next to him healing from a blowtorch tattoo. And if Scott could focus on getting artwork done, Stiles could focus on the law defying artwork of Derek's ass.

"Whatever it is you're going to throw at me. Don't."

"What are you talking about?" Stiles cursed a little internally. The experiment only worked when Derek didn't know the item was coming. A defensively flexed glute would add to the spring and ruin the data.

"You've been randomly throwing things at my ass all summer."

Stiles raised his hands in defense and shook his head like Derek was speaking an entirely new language. Then Scott woke up, so Stiles secured the small wax candle deeper in his pocket.

\-----

"What the hell are you doing to my brother?"

Stiles backed up, Cora seemed like a nice girl, but she had anger issues only a Hale could love.

"I don't know what you're referring to." Stiles smiled weakly, because really, what was he doing to Derek? They only kissed that one time and it was a huge mistake according to Derek. So really, Stiles couldn't be blamed for anything Derek was going through on that front.

"I mean this." She held up the small beanie baby Stiles had lost track off when it bounced wide off of Derek as he unexpectedly turned.

"Oh. That's mine." Stiles made to grab for the plush doll. It was number 7 on his list.

"You threw it at my brother. Why?"

"Oh, you know, flirting, trying to get his attention. I know it's hopeless and he'll never want me but can't blame me for trying, right?" In the back of Stiles mind, he knew it was partly true, so it worked as a good cover story, no lies to detect. He already used it with Lydia when she caught him throwing the aluminum can.

Cora took a sniff of the beanie baby like she didn't believe Stiles and thought he might have been trying to poison her brother via skooshy mini-toys. She scrunched up her nose at the tiny wolf and threw it at Stiles' head before storming off.

Stiles picked up Howl-ee-kins and kissed one of his favorite toys that didn't vibrate. "Don't worry little buddy, we'll try again soon."

\-----

Boyd died, Jennifer Blake happened, and weeks of potential alpha butt research time was lost because of the Alphas. Not that these events stopped Stiles from adding more to the list. He needed the damn list. It was a normal lustful teenage thing to do and it was HIS damn list. It couldn't get kidnapped, sacrificed or slaughtered in the twisted power games of monsters.

Stiles breathed out and back in, then added three more items to throw at Derek's ass.

"How's your dad?" A voice behind him said.

"He's fine and I'm busy." Stiles didn't want to see Derek right now. It was still too soon to be reminded of everything, too soon to be supportive for the losses. It was better to fantasize about a banging body than live with the mind attached.

Derek didn't want to cooperate with the leaving though. "I'm sorry I didn't…"

"Your sister is dead. Again. What the hell are you apologizing for?" Stiles didn't want to do this now. He didn't want to be Derek's comfort when he needed his own head space to sort through everything first, but…damn him! "Why must you be so fucking tragic?” Stiles stood up and crossed the room to Derek. He hugged him close and cried. "It's not fair. It's not right. You're not the bad guy and yet you get shit on. I get shit on. I hate this."

Derek didn't say a word, but hugged him back. He hugged him tight and didn't let go.

\-----

Stiles noticed the first time it happened. It was a bottle cap. No one else appeared to be in the room, but the bottle cap definitely hit him in the ass.

**Author's Note:**

> [Howl-ee-kins](http://www.everythingwolf.com/shop/productimages/howl_beanie_baby_wolf.jpg)


End file.
